And then the world turned purple

...and other things that can throw off one's groove.

Hello everyone,
Well, it's been about a month since I last posted, and were it not for the events of this past week, I wouldn't feel quite as bad about that as I currently do.  This week has...changed things, to say the least.  Those of you with Facebook (or frequent contact with my mother) already know this, so I apologize to everyone sans Facebook for keeping you out of the loop until after the fact.

But enough suspense.  I know I've told you a bit in the past about talking to faculty at St. Andrews about PhDs, but I don't know if I ever told you about a scholarship I applied for back in January called the SUPA studentship.  It's a big prize, giving tuition, a stipend, research money, the works, to maybe 10 students each year to enter PhD programmes at one of eight participating Scottish universities.  It's one of the only sources of funding available to international students, and I applied for it because I was just interested enough in studying at St. Andrews to want to keep the option open.  I subsequently deferred all thoughts of St. Andrews, because they were all moot unless I got this funding, which I didn't really expect to get.

Well, a week ago today, I got it.  St. Andrews came back onto the table again, this time with a two-week firm-decision deadline.  My first reaction was that that was not nearly time enough, as I had just barely started trying to find programs and faculty at other places back in the States that looked interesting; how in the world was I supposed to make this decision with no other options on the table to weigh it against?  But oddly, it only took about a day and a half--and some incredible wisdom in several of my friends' e-mails--for me to come to the conclusion where I have stayed since then, and this morning I wrote back to the SUPA people accepting the position.  I've officially agreed to stay here for three years for a PhD, and I have full funding.

The realization I came to had a bunch of different components, and really it starts with things I know I've said before about how I feel about St. Andrews in general and my church there, Trinity, in particular.  Last semester I felt distinctly that I could easily make that town home; I was already beginning to feel at home there, and more than that, I wanted to get involved in the things my church was doing and spend more time cultivating the relationships I was forming there, and the fact that I didn't have time frustrated me.  So going into this semester at Heriot-Watt, I knew I would be grateful for more time at St. Andrews if I could get it.  Hence my joy at being able to go back for my summer project, and hence the swiftly growing sense of certainty that suddenly being given the material opportunity to go back was no coincidence.

The main obstacle in my mind was the same fear of the huge distance--the change, the sense of being uprooted and entrenching myself in a different place so far away--that I have been dealing with in all my hypothetical thoughts about staying, sharpened by the fact that it was no longer hypothetical.  The "answer" I was given--whether it settled on me or welled up from within--was best articulated by my friend Annie, whom I'm going to shamelessly quote here:

Though time could make the decision easier, know that time is in God's hands. Though greater perspective would be nice in knowing the right choice, take comfort the God has the greatest perspective, and his choices are right. Take comfort and confidence that you are not alone, and you are supported when you feel pressured and everything feels too big to bear. One choice and you have decided the way the rest of your life will be lived...yet your life, every choice you make, is not to big for your God.


She managed to express my growing sensation that God had, indeed, answered my prayers for clear direction by giving me a desire to live in and serve a particular place, and the means to go there, in that order; and she reminded me that my fear was, at its root, the fear of not being infinite, which is not something I can or should try to grasp for myself, but something to relinquish in faith.  All this to say, it took about 36 hours for all this to happen (many thanks for all the thoughts and prayers from those I exploded the news to in my initial complete and total bewilderment) and for my fears to settle enough for me to realize that I have been given precisely the opportunity I've been wanting with increasing certainty.


So I have decided to stay.  On top of all these thoroughly non-academic reasons and thoughts, there is, of course, the PhD itself.  I'll be frank, I have a very good feeling about my advisors and my interaction with them--when we've spoken, both before and after the scholarship offer, they both understand and appreciate my sense that what I really want this summer is to find out whether I want to do PhD research with them--they love the fact that I'm pursuing something out of curiosity, not quite sure it's my niche but willing to try it, and the absolute worst case scenario in this whole situation is that at the end of the summer, all three of us would realize that that's not the case.  and if I realize I don't want to stay, I won't; SUPA wouldn't be too happy with me for reneging, but that isn't the end of the world.  (I mean, what can they do, force me to stay in the country?)  But this summer still is what it was before--a chance to find out whether this is what I really want, and if it is, then I have a perfect continuation at the end of it.  Talk about an incredible opportunity.


So this has been a topsy-turvy week, and very exciting.  I have more musings and more random anecdotes for you from the past few weeks of Heriot-Watt and Edinburgh, anecdotes involving smooth jazz, real live daylight, and some awesome Canadian girls, but I will defer those until another time.  For now, I wanted to make sure you knew my big news, and I will write about other things later.  Good night to all!
--Kaley